I Wish Spam Had Stayed In A Can

I was getting all excited today when 57 people read my post about US 23 and the median with the money growing on it.  Then I discovered that 56 of them, up to now, have been some sort of spam from an advertising site in England.  Damn.  I should have known.  So one actual person has actually read the post.  Oh well.  It’s a good story, in my opinion, and you should check it out to see what you’re missing.  I’m going to use the spam anyway to make my first big milestone; 500 hits to “WTF-What The Fluffy” in a little under 60 days.  I only have 28 more hits to go.

I remember when Spam was something in a can resembling dog food that you ate when you couldn’t afford ham.  Fry it up in a pan and it makes a tasty sandwich with mustard, lots of mustard.  Goes pretty good with eggs, but ham is better.  It’s fully cooked though and you can eat it right out of the can, if you’re up to it.  I think there is some portion of ham in Spam, but I’m not sure.  Wait, I think I have a can in the cabinet.

Okay, here’s what’s in Spam:  Pork with Ham, (This worries me a little.)  Mechanically Separated Chicken, (As opposed to the manually separated kind, I guess.) Water, Salt, Modified Potato Starch, Sugar, Sodium  Phosphates, Potassium Chloride (Don’t you clean with that?) Sodium Ascorbate, and Sodium Nitrite.  There’s already salt in it, so I’m not sure why we need those last two items.  College chemistry class.  I know sodium is salt.  And on the front of the can, it says, “25% LESS SODIUM Than Spam Classic.”  So this can must be an improved version of Spam.  The can tells me I can fry, bake and microwave Spam and there are detailed directions for each.  This particular can of Spam is BEST BY JUN 2010, so I’m not going to be eating it and I’ve obviously had it in the cabinet, cupboard, or pantry for some time.  Good to know, Spam has a shelf life.

There’s a recipe on the back for Spamburger Hamburger.  Pretty simple, hamburger bun, sliced spam, tomato, lettuce, onion and american cheese.  This is touted as a “Crazy Tasty Signature Recipe” and is rated 1 out of 5.  I’m wondering what the rated 5 recipes are like, assuming 1 is best, but then maybe 5 is best, it doesn’t really say.  There’s also a” Spam Thickness Guide” on the back with a scale from “infant” to “linebacker.”  Have you tried to cut Spam before?  Let me tell you…well just try it.  If you have problems, there’s a proper slicing technique detailed on the can as well.

All right, enough about Spam in the can.  Well except that the seven billionth can of span was sold in 2007.  

I posted an item on “Craigslist” a few months back and got spammed up the ass.  My Blackberry started beeping incessantly for hours as the offers logged in.  It was so bad I actually sent an email to Craig Newmark begging him to tell me how to stop it.  He’s listed as the Customer Service Manager at the website he founded, but he never responded.  I’m still getting the emails, but not 150 an hour.  I’m afraid to list the end tables I have for sale.  Don’t you spammers have something better to do?  WTF   


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