I bowl in league on Wednesday nights. It’s a fall league, so to speak, it starts the Wednesday after Labor Day and ended last night. That’s 32 weeks of entertainment at $14 a night plus drinks. Yeah, drinks. As an amateur bowler, I more correctly belong to a drinking league with a bowling problem. We have 21 teams of 4 in our league, and hundreds of substitutes. Subs are bowlers that want to be on a team, but we don’t have room for additional teams or no one wants them on their team permanently. We represent every income level and ethnic group in the United States. The league name is Grand Disaster. Enough said.
As I was saying, last night was the final night of league. Our team, DMS, had finished the season in 11th place after flirting for several weeks to be in the top 5. We were “fun” bowling the final night, where you play “nine tap” or “eight tap”. This means, for you non-league people, that if you knock down 9 pins on the first ball in nine tap, it counts as a strike. This allows you to bowl a game unlike you normally would bowl. For example a 218, as was my first score, instead of my normal 139. Yeah, I suck. But bowling is a sport so that makes me an athlete.
So I was sitting in the scoring chair. So called because the manual scorer would sit there before bowling scorecards became computerized and no one has to record the – or / or X in every box on the scorecard anymore. If you’ve bowled in the last 30 years, you know what I’m talking about. So, I was sitting in the scoring chair pissed off because I had just left an open frame after a strike, and the girl on the other team, getting ready to bowl, didn’t have a full rack. Well, maybe she had a full rack, but I wasn’t looking at that. In bowling it means one of the pins had fallen over from the mechanical set, which in this case was the 1 pin.
So I says to her, “You need to hit reset, honey.” She turned to me, and in a very acrimonious tone said, “Thanks, Dad.” I wasn’t the least bit offended. I was way too old to be her father anyway. Besides, she had pink hair and a nose ring. Not to mention, I have a granddaughter older than her, who has less body piercings…..I think. And like I said, she was trying to bowl with less than a full rack. I mean, really, trying to cheat on “fun night.” WTF
So bowling is a good way to waste money. It’s even worse in Nevada, because some of the bowling alleys have slot machines. So you can waste money on them too. So let’s put this in perspective. It costs me, on average, $100 a week to bowl, all inclusive. We discussed earlier that the league goes for 32 weeks. That means I pay $3,200 a year to aggravate myself to the point of serious verbal abuse, drink too much, and at the end of the season win $100.17 in prize money for 11th place. If you don’t see something wrong with this picture, you’re a bowler aren’t you?
A good friend, whom I complain to incessantly about how much I hate bowling, offered to kick me in the balls if I sign up for another year. The team captain told me last night that he had signed me up for next year. I’m going to be wearing a cup for the next few weeks, just like a real athlete.
By the way, the team name, “DMS,” stands for “Doesn’t Mean Shit.”