I don’t get a lot of text messages, because I don’t send a lot. I have unlimited text messaging on my phone, which I’m sure I pay mightily for, but my thumbs are too big, I guess, to manuever the keys on my BlackBerry Storm. I always light up the wrong letters, which makes for a bunch of gibberish that I can’t figure out how to backtab through to correct. Well you get the picture. I’m not like the kid I saw on the plane the other day with the pink sequined cell phone that was moving her thumbs so fast over the keys you could barely make them out for the blur. She sent out seven text messages before the flight attendant finished saying it was okay to turn on your cell phone.
So you can imagine how interested I was when my phone vibrated and beeped, indicating I had gotten a text message. Here is what it said: (I produce it unedited.)
“Hey homeboy I knpcked on all 62 apts n no one by galaz lives there this black lady said some Hispanic family moved out? So I tried know can u voo”
Well, I didn’t think much of it. Obviously a wrong phone number. But that’s a lot of apartment doors to knock on, so he must have wanted to find Galaz pretty bad. He thinks I’m this Galaz somebody (could be a she), somebody that he knows. Easy to do maybe, hit a wrong digit with the thumbs when you’re sending. I figured he was Hispanic also, because he capitalized it. The only word he capitalized besides “Hey” but then his spellchecker probably did that. What the hell does “know can u voo” mean?
Within minutes, three to be exact, the next test message came in:
“Hey do u have A bowl? Cause tjis.”
Well we know a “bowl” is probably some marijuana, I don’t think he needs it for cereal. I’ve heard it referred to as that, but really have no personal experience. Well, maybe I tried it once but didn’t inhale. But what is “tjis?” I’ve checked every website I can find on abbreviations and texting acronyms and I can’t find anything. Well except the “Tri-County Juvenile Information Service.” No that can’t be it. Maybe the “Torah & Jewish Internet Site?” How about “This Job Is Sh-t?” I could use that one.
Thirty-three minutes later:
“Does v still want that pipe? If so let me know cause me n rich r going to home depot n il drop ig by.”
Now you might think that “me and Rich” are going to The Home Depot to buy some pipe and we’ll drop some off. No, they’ll drop off that dope pipe on the way to The Home Depot if “v” still wants it. “G” is below the “T” on the touch keyboard so that explains the “g” in “ig”, wanted to say “it”.
The next one comes in at 9:28:12 PM: (I’m going to edit this one for obvious reasons.)
“Hey bless me with a bowl n il get u back cause I’m burnt n this b-tch didn’t even save me sh-t cause I had to take care of buiz.”
Now I’m guessing that whomever “me” is texting, must be responding somehow and he thinks he’s been in contact with Galaz. Because, he keeps texting and has been for several hours now. And it goes into the next day at 7:04 PM. By this time I’m wondering if I should turn the guy in for drugs. I have his cell phone number. I have him arranging a “bowl”, which you see he must have gotten:
“By the way wat was up with that bunk sh-t u fronted us yesterday damn. U could have said something its oso by the way.”
Well, again, I can’t determine if the “oso” is a misspelling, a drug term, or texting acronym. It is Spanish for “bear”. No that does fit very well with the “bunk sh-t”.
So having become bored with the texting this is what I wrote back: (I’ll edit for obvious reasons.)
“Check the f–kng number you’re texting. I ain’t you’re f–king dealer.” I was going to say I know your f–king number but I decided not to remind them of that. I’m still waiting to be “silenced,” but I haven’t received any further text messages. By the way, it took me ten minutes to type that message with all the correct spelling and punctuation, figure out how to let it let me say the f-word and then find the send key.
While searching for answers to my abbreviation query, I found several websites with texting acronym information though. PITA is one of my favorites. I use it all the time and was glad to find it on several lists. RUMCYMHMD in one I found. If I could remember that one I might use it. It stands for “Are you on Medication Cause You Must Have Missed a Dose.” WTF