I’m Highly Qualified as an Animal Nutrition Consultant

older man cartoonIt’s officially week three of the job search.  I have received many confirmations that my resume has been received, and we know that is because it is an automated email thanking me for applying and I will be contacted if I am considered for the position.

job search websitesI get an average of 30 emails a day from job boards that I have signed up on, somehow.  Some I know I did, like Monster, and CareerBuilder, and LinkedIn, and Zip Recruiter, but there are a lot of them I’ve never heard of so I know I didn’t sign up with them.  I’ve discovered that most of them are a compilation of other job boards.

I get five or six calls a day from around the country hoping that I will sign up to pay $20,000 or more for some online education.  I have never checked any website request that indicated that I’m interested in furthering my education or training for a new career in, say, as a nurse, or as a criminologist (although that might be interesting). Yet they all start the conversation with “you indicated recently that you are interested in pursuing a career as….”  That is when the call is terminated on my end.  Requests to call for immediate openings as insurance agents for every insurance company on the planet also flood my email box.

Today’s email from CareerBuilder had this job as a 98% match for me:  “Part Time Animal Nutrition Consultant (Pet-Retail).”  I feed my dog table scraps, horrendously, right from the table while I’m eating.  And they’re not really scraps.  I’m cutting up meat and feeding it to him.  I give him vegetables too….and ice cream. I don’t think they’d be too interested in considering me as an animal nutritionist, not to mention where in the hell do they get a 98% skill match for that position? 

This job shows a 94% match for me on CareerBuilder:  “Entry-Level Marketing Business Opportunity.”  

 In other words someone looking for an entry level job in editing, writing, reporting, any kind of writing related job, is 94% qualified to be this.

 “Our attractive compensation package includes residual income, bonuses, and incentives. 
Duties include Appointment Setting, customer assistance, promoting, and advertising, training others and educating.
Candidates must have high-speed internet access, land-line and home office to work out of.”

If you replace the “Entry-Level” with “Multi-Level,” you know what this job is.  I’ve already had the pleasure of being duped into Amway back in the 90s, so I know how this goes.  I’m just disappointed that my skills match is 94% for this sort of thing.  I never sold anything in any multi-level marketing scheme I was ever involved with.

online job searchHere’s another email I received today:

“Hello,

We have identified an opportunity at NAPA that you may be interested in based on information from your resume or a recent application you made on our site. (My underline.) Please review the position and feel free to apply if you think you may be a fit:

WAREHOUSE ASSOCIATE (FULL-TIME) JOB”

At the end of the email it asks “Did we get this match wrong?  If so, let us make it right!”

Ya think?  What possible information on my resume or recent application made on this site would make me qualified for a warehouse associate at NAPA?  I hate car parts.  I hate working on cars.  Every time I have tried to work on a car over the years, I have made it three times worse.  Like the time I tried to clean the spark plugs on my Ford Ranger pickup.  I pulled the plugs one by one, cleaned them with Emory cloth, set the gap, put them back in, and started the truck.  A loud pop and bang followed and the engine died.  I had just blown a hole in piston number three from debris caused by the disintegration of the spark plug that I had just cleaned.  Fifteen hundred dollars later the truck ran again, sort of, after taking it to the dealership. I have never changed the plugs in a car since.  A new spark plug would have cost $1.50.  Maybe I should send in an application.

Monster.com sent me the following 7 New “editing, newspaper, radio, television, production writing” in Albuquerque, NM Jobs:

Signal Support Systems Specialist with the Army National Guard.

Web Developer at Sandia Laboratory Federal Credit Union.

Life Insurance Customer Service from Home, $28 per Hour with LifeQoutes.com

Supervisor – Utility Services at Armstrong Service Inc….in Carlsbad NM.  (That’s several hundred miles to the south.)

Patient Care Coordinator at Miracle Ear, also in Carlsbad. (“Bad” is a descriptive part of the name to describe this place where I will never relocate.)

A Senior Analyst Job through Accounting Principals, a temp agency that has yet to call me back from 2011.

And finally, an IT Representative for First Mortgage Company.

What a waste of time.   Is there some kind of an error in their search criteria?  No, it appears they clearly do not have a viable search engine.  I think the website is just a waste of time, and Monster is one of the premier job boards on the internet.

I spend a lot of time on the New Mexico Department of Work Force Solutions website.  This is what I get when I click on the “Current Job Openings that need your skills.” 

Interpreter for the deaf.   Sign Language interpreter.  Seeking translators/interpreters.  Front desk associate at Planet fitness starting at $8.60 an hour.  A night auditor at La Quinta.  A grave yard front desk associate at the Hyatt Regency.  I meet 17 of the 27 skills necessary to be considered for a retail support associate at Macy’s.  WTF.

DSC_0010One of the things I’ve discovered, while sitting at home spending endless hours filling out job applications online, is that there are a large number of idiots that come to your door during the day.  My dog doesn’t like it much and goes incredibly berserk when the offender rings the doorbell.  I have a security door that is always locked, and, Domino, a rather diminutive Boston terrier, sounds like he’s going to rip them to shreds and gorge on their lifeless bodies if he can somehow get through the door.  The security door has Plexiglas panels which are now scratched to the point that they are barely translucent at the bottom of the door.

barking dogMost of these idiots are attached to some religion or another and want to give me a pamphlet that I tell them to put under the mat in the hopes that it will blow away in the ridiculously high winds we have been having the last few weeks.  One guy who pulled into my driveway in a white pickup, came to the door the other day, and he was so afraid of the dog, that he never got close enough where I could hear what he wanted over the barking of the dog.  I finally gave him a dismissive wave of the hand, and he stomped off to the truck, laying rubber in my driveway as he drove off.  Now I’m curious as to what he wanted that was so important.  Maybe he was from “Publisher’s Clearing House.”

There are no careers that match my interests on the New Mexico jobs site.  I find that very hard to believe, but maybe I need to look at what my interests really are.  I could argue that one of my interests is winning the lottery, but I didn’t put that on there.  That would be good though.

Maybe I could start an online business helping people find jobs.  Like “Career Jimmy” and his “Amazing Resume Creator “and “Amazing Cover Letter Creator.”  Yeah, I got sucked into that one, shelling out $49.95 for the complete package including three days of free training on cover letter creation.   It was the white board animation marketing tool that I couldn’t stop watching that sucked me in. (He also mentions that if you don’t click on the deal now, the video would restart from the beginning.  I didn’t like it that much.)  Jimmy has some good ideas and easy to use tools to create resumes and cover letters, but “amazing” kind of puts a stretch in there.

The three days of training, by the way, were three days of marketing emails trying to get me to buy more “amazing” things from Jimmy.  I did use one of his amazing cover letter creators on a job application yesterday.  I used all of his secrets.  I still haven’t gotten the guaranteed call.  Wait, I recall there was a 60-day full refund guarantee on there.  Now I just need to figure out how I accomplish that.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “I’m Highly Qualified as an Animal Nutrition Consultant

  1. Your Favorite Niece

    Best site out there that I used to update my resume when I was laid off in March was http://www.livecareer.com. LOVED IT! The short version of my saga was that they kept on extending my separation. I was laid off and worked for 2 1/2 months then they decided to keep me and reversed the lay off. Very unusual that it took some time and deep digging to figure out all of the paperwork. So, here I am, still at Sony with an ambiguous end date….so they say.

    • Wow, I had no idea that you were “laid-off.” What is an “ambiguous end date?” Doesn’t sound very secure. I’ll check out livecareer.com and see what happens. Thanks.

      • Your Favorite Niece

        Well, as I see it, ambiguous is a step up from “I don’t know”. How it was explained, I could continue to roll from project to project so long as they had a need. Currently, I am known as a “subject matter expert”. That’s large corporation for you.

  2. Linda

    This blog just cracked me up. The sad thing is that it is so true. When looking for a job it seems either no one cares or no one listens. Either way – you are out of a job.!!!! Good luck.
    I have a suggestion….what about making wooden musical reindeers? Just a thought!!

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