Monthly Archives: June 2015

I Will Never Wear a Jump Suit

A Fine Example of Orthopedic Shoes.

A Fine Example of Orthopedic Shoes.

It seems the older I get the less I care what people think of me.  That’s probably most evident in what I choose to wear…in public.  I don’t try to be “color coordinated.”  I don’t try to be “in style.”  I really don’t care if I’m wearing the newest Nike style, or whether it’s for cross training, or running, or tennis, or hiking, I don’t even know what cross training is, I just know I don’t do it.  I just wear what’s comfortable.  But I do and will continue to draw the line at certain “old guys” apparel.

I will never wear a jump suit.  Well….I did wear one briefly in college.  It was in the early 70s, like that’s an excuse.  It was made out of what looked like green snake skin with big scales.  My mother sewed it for me.  I wore it as a joke a few times, and to a Halloween party, but I have to admit it was comfortable.  It was difficult for full on bathroom requirements, you literally had to undress to go, which makes me wonder why old guys wear them.

I will never wear orthopedic shoes.  Old guys look stupid in orthopedic shoes.  They walk funny and they look like they have black or brown bricks on their feet.  I will also never ever wear socks with sandals.  I don’t care how bad my feet look; they look way stupider with socks on.  I saw an old guy yesterday wearing white socks and sandals.  I looked up into the sky and said to myself, “That looks stupid.”  I have to admit, it’s not uncomfortable to wear socks with sandals, but I will never do it.

I will never wear plaid pants with a white belt and white shoes.  My gawd.  I see some old guy with white shoes and I immediately check to see if he’s got on the white belt.  Nine times out of ten, there it is.  Is that some attempt at color coordination?  Then why, oh why, are the plaid pants matched up with a striped golf shirt?

I will never wear a plaid jacket.  I promise.  Plaid does not belong on old guys.  Not even on the golf course.  Plaid jackets are definitely not to be worn at dinner, at a wedding, at a funeral, or outside.  If you’re an old guy and you have to wear that plaid jacket, wear it in the house in the winter.

I will never wear a Speedo at the beach.  Seems like a no-brainer, but have you been to the beach lately?  There are old guys in Speedos everywhere.  It can make you lose your lunch.  There aren’t too many body types that belong in a Speedo, mine never did, but old guy’s body types are definitely not on the list.

I will never wear overshoes.  I will especially never wear those strap-on winter shoes with the spikes in them to prevent slipping on ice.  When the weather is bad, I’ll stay in the house where I belong.  The rest of you old guys should do the same thing.  There is no reason for you to be out…none…nada.  The only possible reason for you to go out when the weather is bad is for an emergency, like a stroke or a heart attack.  In that case, call 911 and someone else will do the driving.  You won’t need overshoes and you won’t need spiked soles on your shoes.

Today, I wore red shorts with a black belt, a blue T-shirt with a howling wolf emblazoned on the front, a pair of gray ankle socks and some brown Sketchers.  Oh, and a pair of Ray Bans, prescription of course.  I won’t make the cover of “GQ,” or “V Man,” but like I said in the beginning, the older I get the less I care what people think of me, and therefore, the older I get the more I enjoy life.



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